Missing:
Monster is a six year old fat, yellow, transgendered cat. Other than the fact that Monster is yellow, he has no other distinguishing marks besides his huge fatness. And technically, he isn't really a "he" anymore, since we had to surgically remove his male bits last year due to…never mind…you really don't want to know why. But it was medically necessary…and not at all perverted in any way on our part. Nor was Monster having a sexual identity crisis. But I include this information in case someone finds a hugely obese yellow "girl" cat and thinks they've found their new best friend.And let me tell you, you don't want to keep this cat. He eats more than a mastiff. And as you can tell by his medical history…he's pretty high maintenance. Who knows when he'll need another plastic surgery! And he only likes a specific type of meow mix (the "fillet meow" beeferloin beefcake kind). He also drags his ass on the carpet whenever he comes out of the litter box. I think this is due to the surgical procedure, since he never ever did this when he had a penis. So again, you really don't want to keep this cat if you find him. We, on the other hand, love this fat, ass-draggin,' hermaphroditic cat.
Anyways, he went missing after 7:45 am on Tuesday, September 2nd. We are very worried that he is under someone's house. The recent construction guys have been replacing the siding to our condos, and this allows cats to get under the crawlspace. Last week, our other cat was trapped under the condo, and we had to remove the siding to get to him out. So if you hear a ghost-cat meowing like crazy under your floorboards, please call me, or tell the construction crew.
Seriously…I don't know how long he can live if he's trapped under your floorboards. Well…he is gianormously obese, so he could live on his own fat stores for a long time…but eventually, he'll die. And then his gigantic fat carcass will start rotting, and let me tell you, he already smells bad, just imagine if he dies under your floorboards.
So PLEASE, listen to your floor... if you hear a cat meowing like crazy, and you can't tell where it's coming from, please check to see if it's coming from the crawlspace. I'm sure he'll get louder the hungrier he gets. And he's really not used to going 30 minutes without eating.
and yes...we PLASTERED the condo complex with these fliers.
Found: one gigantic fat ass yellow transgendered cat. At about 4:30 this morning, Brad went out looking for Monster again. And apparently Monster was angry and hungry as all hell because Brad heard him yowling from somewhere. He was trapped under a neighboring condo. I woke up to Brad tapping at the bedroom window requesting a flashlight and a hammer. So at 4:45 am, Brad broke Monster out. I could hear the paneling creaking as Brad pulled it away from the building… Thank god he didn't wake our neighbors up. If they had looked out their bedroom window, they would have seen Brad, hammer in one hand, flashlight in the other, crouching under the building, trying to coax a 25 lb Monster out from under their house. He ate his head off when he got back in the house. Monster, not Brad. Thanks for your well wishes!!
