August 25, 1993:
I failed my driving test. I didn't yield at a blind intersection. What blind intersection?? I swear I didn't see it! Oh well. I was very disappointed, but mom and I decided that since I still had to tell all my friends, I might as well tell a really good story about how I failed. Over breakfast we came up with the following story:
"I hit the DMV instructor's car…I just backed into it….it was an old, green car, and could have used a new paint job anyway...I tried to tell him that our insurance would cover it, but he just yelled at me. Apparently the DMV has some policy about automatically failing you if you crash into another car during the test...what hard-asses."
September 10, 1993
Failed driving test. Again. The instructor said I was just driving way too slow for the traffic. What the hell does that mean??? I was being CAREFUL! I didn't want to miss that invisible blind intersection again. Maybe I'm just slow. How is it possible that I could fail my driving test twice? If I can't even pass this test...how will I ever succeed in life?? I'm doomed.
September 14, 1993:
Today…disaster…Seeing as how I failed the last two driving tests, mom decided that I needed more practice. So, she decided that I was going to drive her everywhere she went. Well…I didn't want to drive her everywhere. I've been terrified of driving again. But, no matter what I said, she was adamant that I drive. Well, this morning she told me to take the wheel of the old Mercedes…which I did. And as I was warning her of my ineptitude, I promptly proceeded to sideswipe the Lincoln. I don't want to drive again.
September 15, 1993:
Mom made me drive again. But today, I was driving the Lincoln. As I parked the car I ran over a plank of wood in the drive. Unbeknownst to me, there were nails sticking up out of the plank. Now both the front tires are completely flat!! Who the hell leaves a nail riddled plank of wood sitting in the driveway??? Who does that?!? This is a bad omen. I'm doomed.
Well, I passed the driving test on my third attempt (despite my overly-dramatic teenage angst). However, I've been haunted by unfortunate incidents involving me, cars, and herds of cattle...ever since.
Since 1993 I have been in a number of car accidents... most of them not my fault: I've been rear ended by a constitutional law professor (from a rival school) a lady in a minivan (as I chased an escaping horse down the highway in the rain) a man in a truck (who smelled of Schlitz malt liquor) and an old lady (she was old). One time, a car in front of me at an intersection, for no apparent reason, went into full reverse and crashed into me as I sat at a full stop behind him. I guess he rear-ended me in reverse (that's what she said). I've also messed up the bumper of Brad's truck by backing into a fence, and just yesterday I scraped the entire length of my car on the garage entry as I pulled in (I haven't told Brad yet). And to top it all off...I've had an entire herd of cattle throw themselves in front of my car in the middle of the night (I swear they jumped out of the bushes...all of them).
I just hope my luck with the bar exam is better than my luck with driving.
And now...for your viewing pleasure...a re-enactment of my latest encounter with a heard of cows.
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