Palpating

So, Brad has started practicing on me. He takes my blood pressure, measures my breathing rate...counts my vertebrae...finds my liver... feels me up and stuff (uh, for medical purposes only of course).

But I'm starting to think...well...I'm not too elated with this new aspect of our relationship. So far it's only been kind of impersonal stuff... vertebrae... liver...etc. But yesterday he informed me that he starts doing breast exams next week, and he needs to practice on me. They aren't allowed to do this in class on real people yet...for obvious reasons. Right now they practice on dummies. Breast dummies. Still not too sure how that's much different from a blow up doll.

So. I don't really like the idea of him feeling me up for the sole purpose of finding lumps. That's just wrong. Too personal. Something I would only let me and my doctor do. Not my husband. Now, if it was just an excuse to feel me up...well that's okay. But he can do that without making any excuses...because...we're married and shit.

Which leads me to believe that his only motive is to find lumps in my jugs. And.. as you can imagine, I'm not to thrilled about that.

To clarify for the men here: how would you like it if someone was feeling you up...But only to inspect a malfunction, fault, or unusually unhealthy aspect of your junk. Not so fun anymore, is it?

Another drawback is that Brad gets this earnest, I'm examining you, type of expression on his face. There he is...stethoscope around neck...scrunched up face...tongue sticking out the side of his mouth...as he "palpates the region." That's the word these guys use..."palpate."

According to the medical dictionary, to palpate is to: "touch or feel. For example, the edge of an enlarged liver may be palpated below the rib cage. From the Latin 'palpare' (to stroke or to pat). Just as the Latin word means to touch or feel lightly, that is how a doctor palpates the abdomen."

Okay. So. I have many problems with this. First off, I don't care what the hell the dictionary says, the word palpate sounds so wrong, in so many ways, that as soon as someone tells you that they need to "palpate the region" you immediately know...in the pit of your stomach... that there will be no stroking or patting involved. There is no light touching or feeling...It's more like a sudden jabbing, poking and sharp squeezing motion...with frigid-ice-cold hands; and all the while, sporting a serious, scrunched up, I'm-examining-you type of expression on your face.

Now this may do it for some folks...but for me...No Thanks....I don't want you palpating my regions any time soon. Anything else is fine.

But I draw the line at palpating.